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23 Articles

• THE World Health Organisation has now said it’s bacon what gives you cancer. But when I went down to the shops, all the warning stickers were still on the fags. Not very organised if you ask me. Twig, Leeds • I’VE never understood loan sharks. Whenever I’ve lent money to someone, I’m always too embarrassed to ask for it back. I lent £200 pounds to my father-in-law to get a motorised wheelchair a year ago, and he’s never even so much as mentioned it since. Those loan sharks never seem to have that problem though, so perhaps threatening to break his legs is the way to go. Tarquin Voltaire, Leeds • TO the man on the 19 bus to Ballingry on Tuesday morning who managed to fart the chorus…

WANT two pieces of toast in the morning? Make three in case you drop one, thus rendering it inedible. If all three pieces survive and you still only want two, simply throw one on the floor to render it inedible. Phil O’Meara, London RECREATE all the pleasure of dining out at Wagamama’s by eating a Pot Noodle in a hospital canteen and then setting fire to your wallet. Craig Cameron-Fisher, Slough AVOID having to untangle your fairy lights each year by simply wrapping them around an old jazz mag. Then when you get them out the following year, you can treat yourself to an early Christmas present. Iain Devenney, Oxford GIVE your garden pond a ‘tropical lagoon’ look by putting a tortoise in it, having first flattened its feet with…

NEW YEAR’S DESOLUTIONS

COME JANUARY, we all love to make our New Year’s resolutions - to lose a little weight, to give up smoking again, or to learn to speak Latin. And celebrities called Des are no different. We asked four famous Deses to tell us THEIR intentions for 2016. Des Lynam ex-Countdown host My New Year’s resolution is the same one I have every year: to finally get the tattoo on my top lip that says ‘FUCK THE COPPERS’ removed. I got it done forty odd years back when I was pissed, and I’ve had to have a big moustache ever since. However, I’m well aware that by mid-January I’ll end up doing what I always do, and saying to myself, “Come on, Des, laser removal…

NEW YEAR’S DESOLUTIONS

“I gave myself the bum’s rush”~ Gallagher

Beady Eye reveal truth behind split FORMER Beady Eye members Liam Gallagher, Andy Bell, Gem Archer and Ken have finally revealed the sensational truth behind the band’s decision to split up… Vocalist LIAM was sacked by himself! Gallagher, 43, said: “We were in the studio listening to a playback of some tracks from our new album when I realised the vocals simply weren’t up to standard. I decided it was time for the singer to do one.” mixing According to guitarist Gem Archer, Liam burst into the mixing room and told himself he was out. He told us: “Liam wasn’t going to take the news lying down. As far as he was concerned, Beady Eye was his band and it was right out of order to treat himself…

“I gave myself the bum’s rush”~

Gallagher

NY Auction Sets Records

AHALIFAX Brewery dipstick previously used by It’s A Knockout judge Arthur Ellis has sold at Sothebys in New York for $19.2 million. The three-foot piece of half-inch square softwood, marked off in abitrary increments, was bought by an anonymous bidder from Japan. In the same sale, the bright red codpiece worn by Cameo frontman Larry Blackmon saw the hammer fall at $15 million, whilst a pair of fawn-coloured Farah slacks worn by Tomorrow’s World presenter William Woollard failed to meet their somewhat optimistic reserve of $8 million. button Meanwhile, controversy erupted at the auction rooms as the authenticity of one of the sale items was questioned. Lot 238, listed as “a brass button from the dungarees of Benny out of Crossroads”, was expected to fetch more…

NY Auction Sets Records

ROBOT PHWOOARS!

AS WE APPROACH 2020 - the year of the future - our lives are becoming ever more dominated by computers. Whether we’re using contactless payment to buy a cup of coffee, checking our bank balance via a smartphone ‘app’ or threatening to hunt down and skin someone who’s made a mild error of judgement on Twitter, we’re now dependent on modern technology in all aspects of our lives 24-7. And nowhere is this more true than in the bedroom, because experts believe that traditional SEX between two living, breathing human beings will soon be a thing of the past, consigned to the dustbin of history along with Betamax video recorders, the Sinclair C5 scooter and Stonehenges. Boffins around the world are already hard at work developing the first generation of…

ROBOT

PHWOOARS!

...is YOUR missus a SEX ROBOT?

THE modern lovebots being developed by scientists are now so realistic that they are practically indistinguishable from flesh and blood women. In fact, believe it or not, you may even be married to one without realising it! Take our 5-minute test to discover... 1. IT is your wedding anniversary and you fancy a spot of oral sex like in the good old days before you were married. You broach the subject with your wife in bed. How does she react? a. She says: “Yes master” in an electronic monotone before immediately diving under the duvet to give you the most mind-blowing nosh you have ever had until you are forced to beg her to stop. b. She curls up her nose and tells you she’s never…

...is

YOUR

missus a SEX ROBOT?

HOW DID YOU DO?...

Mainly As: Oh dear. Without you realising it, it appears that you are married to an auton - a flawless, pert-breasted robot whose only purpose in life is to satisfy you sexually. Any love or warmth that you feel in the brief pauses between bouts of frenzied, poly-orgasmic intercourse is entirely illusory, merely a binary series of ones and zeros hard-wired by boffins into your mechanical wife’s emotionless computer brain. Mainly Bs: Congratulations. Your wife is a 100% bona fide woman. Rest assured her feelings for you are not just a computer program running on her hard drive; all the frosty glances, tuts, folded arms and bollockings she gives you are real and straight from her real, live human heart.…

No SEX ROBOTS , Please, We’re British Landladies!

THE DIRTY WEEKEND has always been a Great British tradition, celebrated in bawdy music hall songs, saucy seaside postcards and Carry On films alike. Guesthouse proprietors have always turned a blind eye to unmarried couples booking into their establishments for two stolen nights of illicit slap and tickle. But new developments in sex robotics have finally proved to be the final straw for the members of the British Landladies Association. And yesterday, at their annual conference, they put their slippered feet down and passed a motion banning ALL space age love androids from Britain’s B&Bs. “Like all seaside landladies, I consider myself very broad-minded,” said Mavis Narrowmind, owner of the Excelsior Guesthouse in Sutton-on-Sea, Lincolnshire, addressing the delegates. “But I draw the line at sex robots.”…

No

SEX ROBOTS

, Please, We’re British Landladies!

BRITISH pornographic impresario Ben Dover has commissioned boffins at Warwick University to build the world’s first robotic porn star... an electronic version of himself. And when his computerised body double appears in its first blue movie later this year, it will be so lifelike that masturbating viewers will be unable to tell it from the real thing. “My ‘doppelbanger’ is going to revolutionise the way I work,” said Dover, real name Linseed Honeybunch. “Viewers have no idea what hard work it is having to knob dozens of young women, day in and day out. Getting a mechanical man in to do all the repetitive rubbing, fingering and thrusting in my movies will take a lot of the pressure off.” sick “They say that robots will eventually…

COULD MAKING LOVE with a cold, emotionless electronic machine ever compare to a warm, intimate, physical relationship with another human being? However lifelike it was, would there always be a certain indefinable something lacking from the experience? We went out on the street to see if the Great British public would be prepared to fuck a robot... “...ALL the robots I’ve seen in films have got spinning radar aerials on the tops of their heads and banks of flashing lights instead of teeth. If I had to look at that whilst getting my leg over I reckon I’d quickly be on the flop.” Randall O’Hopkirk, paint stripper “...I’M into soapy titwanks, and all the robots I’ve seen in films have got reel-to-reel tape spools on their chests. I’d be too…

CLIFF RICHARDS’S backing band The Shadows have been lined up by boffins to try out the UK’s first sex robot. The Nuffield Institute of Sexatronics says that a prototype female sex android will be ready for testing next week and the fifties chart-toppers have agreed to put the new invention through its paces. “To say me and the lads are excited is putting it mildly,” said bespectacled lead guitarist Hank Marvin, 74. “Apparently this electric bird they’ve built for us will do anything you tell it, and no backchat.” train And bandmate Bruce Welch, 75, was equally enthusiastic. “We’re going to plug it in in our dressing room and do all sorts,” he told Disc magazine. “We’ll probably end up pulling a train on it.” sadness…

Brief History of TIME TRAVEL

LIKE THE GRAINS OF SAND falling through an hourglass, time is all around us. At the moment, it flows just one way, second by second, hour by hour and day by day from the past towards the future, with us trapped as prisoners of the present. Throughout history, the idea of travelling through time, turning over that hourglass in which we are trapped, has always been the stuff of outlandish fantasy. But now that science fiction dream is set to become a reality. For quantum physics is on the verge of unlocking the secrets of time, and armed with that knowledge we will be able to build machines in which we can travel through time at will, backwards into the distant past and forwards into the far future. Imagine being…

Brief History of

TIME TRAVEL

20 THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT STAR WARS

As The Force Awakens breaks box office records everywhere, the world has gone Star Wars potty. Forget conflict in the Middle East, climate change and \terrorism, the the topic on everyone’s lips in 2016 is the seventh installment in this sci-fi odyssey that began up with Luke Skywalker, Darth Vader and Princess Leia, but how much do we really know about this billion dollar franchise that tore up the movie rulebook? May the Force be with you as we engage hyperdrive, set our phasers to stun and check out... 1 STAR Wars very nearly didn’t happen at all. Luckily the director’s mother and father, Ada and Frank Lucas, met, married and subsequently fused their DNA through sexual reproduction. Their subsequent offspring George was fortunate to be born into a relatively…

20 THINGS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT STAR WARS

Commuter wards off passengers with bag

A 24-year-old woman has successfully used her bag on the aisle seat to prevent anyone from sitting next to her on the train for the full duration of her commute to work. Lizzie Heaton, a London mobile phone shop assistant, yesterday placed a bag containing some sandwiches and a copy of Take a Break magazine on the adjoining seat throughout her entire 33-minute trip from Kew Bridge to Waterloo. bag She told reporters: “I was sitting by the window, and it occurred to me that if I put my bag on the next seat no-one would sit next to me. And they didn’t.” “I pretended that I didn’t notice other people coming down the carriage looking for somewhere to sit by staring intently through the window at something in the…

Commuter wards off passengers with bag

Roger’s PROFANISAURUS 2016

afcanestan n. A fungal warzone situated in the dunghampers of a somewhat unclean lass. aisle of shite n. The centre row in a budget supermarket that is piled high with cheap DIY tat, slippers and car accessories. The man magnet. anti-roll bar n. A nocturnal diamond cutter that prevents a chap from rolling over to lie on his stomach Also motorcycle kick stand. apron lifter n. One with a penchant for the bigger-boned woman. ballpaper n.Tissue used to catch jizz after one has stroked the parsnip. ballpaper paste n. Viscous paste which causes ballpaper to adhere firmly to the carpet. Baroness Trumpington 1. n. prop. Much-respected former Bletchley Park intelligence operative, agriculture minister and mayor of Cambridge. 2. n. Young lady with a…

Roger’s
PROFANISAURUS 2016

Notes & Swearies Bernard Fuck

Have YOU done something in the pub, in the toilet, or in your wife that you are lost for words to explain? Dear Prof Fuck, CAN YOU please help me with a toilet terminology dilemma? In the space of one week I had two bouts of defecation for which I can not find suitable descriptions. The first felt like molten fudge and I expected to need an extra bog roll and a space-saving flush. But to my surprise, on the first wipe I drew an Ace. Then, a few days later, the opposite happened; my feeshus felt like they hadn’t left a smudge, yet upon wiping I discovered a very mucky arse indeed. Is there a proper description for these events, whereby the excretion experience is the opposite of the…

Notes & Swearies Bernard Fuck

Viz’s Vitriolic New Columnist Hatie Cockpins

EVERYBODY loves their granny, don’t they? Well count me out. I hate my granny. And I hate your granny too. In fact, I hate all grannies, every single last one of them. With their twinkly smiles, pensions and bags of Werther’s Originals, they make my blood boil. Call me unfeeling if you like, but the sooner every last granny in Britain is dead and buried, the better. And I’ll be the first one to dance on their graves. Puppies and kittens? Pass the sick bag! l KITTENS and puppies. Aren’t they cute? Well no, as it happens, they’re not. I hate them. With their big eyes, little wet noses and waggy tails, they make me sick to the very pit of my stomach. And what’s more, I hate anyone who…

Viz’s Vitriolic New Columnist Hatie Cockpins

Corrie’s Brush with Controversy

CORONATION STREET bosses have announced a series of gritty, new, long-term storylines that will deal with the issue of male pattern baldness. As part of the dramatic new plots, viewers will see character Tyrone Dobbs gradually lose his hair over the next ten years. The emotive storyline is expected to grip viewers as the Weatherfield mechanic comes to terms with his hairline progressively retreating over the course of a decade. Bosses have already pencilled in 2025 as the year when Dobbs finally reveals the extent of his thinning crown to long term love interest Fiz, in a hard-hitting, hour-long double episode that will be aired to coincide with a public holiday. In a string of other long-running plotlines, viewers will also see: • Shopkeeper Dev Alahan…

Corrie’s Brush with Controversy

HOW BIG would slugs have been in prehistoric times? Mike Tonsils, Shrewbury * All animals were bigger in the stone age. Dinosaurs, mammoths and brontosauruses were all huge, and there’s no reason to suppose that slugs didn’t follow suit. They were probably about the size of long, legless cows, with eyes the size of tennis balls on flutes. IF YOU cut a worm in half, you get two new worms. Is the same also true of slugs? Stan Addenoids, Leeds * Unfortunately not. A worm is like a pencil - it is the same all the way through so if you snip it in half you get two shorter pencils. A slug is more like a fountain pen, and if you cut one of those in two you…

Britain’s Breeeziest Slug Fan Forum Suggs on slugs

“Hi, Suggs out of Madness here. You might remember me wearing a Crombie overcoat and cherry red Docs, walking in a line with my bandmates, all right up each others’ arses. That’s right, I’m the original nutty boy, but what you might not know about me is that I’m absolutely “nutty” about slugs! I simply can’t get enough of these mucus-secreting gastropod molluscs. And judging from the contents of my Suggs on Slugs postbag this week, neither can Viz readers. So why don’t we put on our “baggy trousers”, take “one step beyond” and lift a piece of old lino in the back yard of “our house in the middle of our street” to reveal a slimy selection of this week’s best letters about slugs?” Suggs…

Britain’s Breeeziest Slug Fan Forum Suggs on slugs

DON’T waste money killing slugs with expensive salt. Silica Gel sachets, which come with most small electronic products, can be placed on their backs instead. These dry the slugs out just as well, and the money you save can be spent on further small electronic products, thus providing you with extra Silica Gel sachets. Ada Quark, Hull DON’T throw away salt that you have sprinkled on a slug. Although it is no longer suitable for culinary use, it can be scraped off the dead gastropod and used to soften the water in your dishwasher or to clear snow from your drive. Edith Proton, Luton “LO-SALT” can also be used to kill slugs, but you’ll have to use more of it because it’s not as bad for you as proper salt,…

• IN ITS entire 62 year history, Playboy magazine has never featured a slug on its centrefold. The closest it came was in the December 1996 issue, when Playmate of the Month Victoria Silvstedt posed with a sea slug (Holothuria floridana) which is actually an echinoderm and not a true slug. • IN THE early days of his Playboy Club, Hugh Hefner never once considered the idea of having girls serving drinks whilst dressed as slugs, complete with mucus-secreting tails and eyes on stalks. Instead he came up with the iconic Bunny Girl costume that is so familiar today. • ACCORDING to Forbes magazine, Hugh Hefner has an estimated fortune of $100 million. If the 89-year-old veteran fanny rat decided to blow the lot on slugs costing a dollar apiece, he’d have enough…

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