The 12th Dimension

So it begins. Now that my New York Rangers have disappointed me for 41 out of my 42 years on planet earth and 76 out of the last 77 years overall, with the lone exception being the year they rented the 1980s Oilers, a few Russians, and sprinkled in the great Brian Leetch, I’m officially ready for Giants football. The next phase of the year awaits the 12th Family and me. Mrs. 12 is now thrilled that sports have ended in our house until that first Giants preseason game because, let’s face it, baseball sucks and Major League Baseball players are a bunch of overpaid crybabies who don’t deserve my time and effort.
To two of the biggest Devils fans I know, Ken Palmer and Staten Island Chris Bisignano, this is your chance to laugh at my misery. Starting … now ... okay, that’s enough. You are both loyal fans who should enjoy this. Although I must say you guys represent about 25 percent of the Devils fans in the Tri-State area. In fact I think the Red Bulls have a bigger fan base.
Anyway, on to football! Since the last edition of TGI there was an NFL draft in Filth City, USA. While most of humanity (you know, those of us who use toilets) watched in amazement as every player, former player, and NFL official introduced were booed, mocked, and ridiculed, Feathered Helmet fans basked in the glory of their one moment in the sun since John F. Kennedy was the President-Elect.
TGI should also point out that during Thursday and Friday of the draft, the collective stock prices of Duracell, Energizer, and Rayovac skyrocketed!
The City of Brotherly Hate of course wore the booing and belittling behavior like a badge of honor as they showed us, as they always do, that they can still scream, shout, and spell the name of their God-forsaken team correctly. Their hatred and embarrassing behavior was, time and time again, mistakenly referred to as “passion” by Philly-loving mouthpieces like Mike Mayock and Brian Baldinger. The good news is that with the NFL allowing cities to “bid” on the location of future drafts, Philly likely won’t ever again make the cut. I’m not sure how much more I could have taken of the Rocky references (whom most Feathered Helmet fans probably believe is real), Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger,” the Rocky training montage music playing, or references to how great that town’s cheesesteaks are. Good Lord.
The last non-Giants related subject on the draft before we get to our beloved G-Men — while I despise the Team with the Star on Their Helmets almost as much as the Feathered Helmet Unit, I have to give it up for Drew Pearson, who absolutely laid a beat-down on Philly fans as he “thanked them for his career.” Kudos to you, Mr. Pearson. Okay, now I’m back to hating you and all things Dallas.
Now let’s get down to business while I give you my take on the Giants draft. It’s futile to grade a draft the second after it’s over (although I did so if you follow The Giant Insider on Twitter — @GiantInsider). We have no idea how these young players are going to turn out as every draft contains surprises, disappointments, ridiculous trades, tremendous value picks, and future Hall-of-Famers. But what we can grade is what the Giants did or didn’t address based on their needs going into the draft. The three positions that absolutely needed an upgrade were (spoiler alert!!!) the offensive line, tight end, and linebacker.
Round One, Evan Engram, “TE” (I use those two letters loosely), Ole Miss — With a few firstround quality offensive linemen on the board and with TGI alum Matt Bucchere’s favorite Vanderbilt linebacker still available, the Giants chose Engram who is 6-3 and weighs (generously) 236 pounds. Some websites had him weighing as little as 216.
The good: He will certainly be an upgrade in the passing game from Will Tye (although I would still like to see what Jerell Adams can do). He is a matchup nightmare for linebackers and if a corner dares to cover him, with OBJ, the newly-acquired Brandon Marshall, and Sterling Shepard likely attracting the top three corners, Engram will likely face a dime corner or safety. He has ridiculous hands and can jump out of MetLife Stadium for Eli’s sometimes high passes.
The bad: Who exactly is he going to block? He’s virtually the same size as Brandon Marshall. If he’s in the game, while he does present matchup problems, the next play is likely going to be a pass, correct? OJ Howard almost fell to the Giants and certainly would have been the pick if Mara Tech were so fortunate.
12th Take: Jerry Reese reached for need here. While I will cheer louder than anyone when Manning hits Engram for several red-zone TDs this season, the Giants drafted a wide receiver that doubles as a tight end.
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Round Two, Dalvin Tomlinson, DT, Alabama — With the departure of Johnathan Hankins, this pick made complete sense. At 6-3, 310, Tomlinson will fill the middle nicely next to the best run-stuffing defensive tackle in all of football and should provide more push in the pass rush than Hankins ever did. Regarding Hankins, the Giants absolutely made the right move there as a team CANNOT have four defensive linemen making more than $8 million per year.
The good: Everything. This kid is smart, hardworking, he comes from a national powerhouse, and he fills a sudden need. He should find life pretty easy as he’ll be flanked by Snacks Harrison, JPP, and Olivier Vernon.
The bad: Not much. He has the size and work ethic to add to an already excellent front four.
12th Take: This was the perfect pick since the Giants had him rated so high and it fills a need. Nice work here, Mr. Reese.
Round Three, Davis Webb, QB, Cal — Eli Manning is not going to play forever and the Giants believe they may have found his heir apparent. At 6-5, 229, he certainly looks the part.
The good: Davis has a strong arm and can make all the necessary throws, including the highly-coveted out pattern. The Giants had him rated highly among the quarterbacks and could not resist pulling the trigger with Webb sitting there in the third round. He has a great attitude and relishes the spotlight. He’s also “mobile enough.” He should be able to learn behind Manning for two to three years and take his time adjusting to the pro game.
The bad: He transferred from Texas Tech to Cal because after he was injured Texas Tech decided to go with Patrick Mahomes, who was selected at 10 overall and reportedly was highly sought after by the Giants. The negatives on him are that he has “accuracy issues.” Uuuuuugh.
12th Take: We selected a kid who likely won’t play for two to three years. I’m obviously okay with it if he becomes Aaron Rodgers or even Eli Manning. But they better not have just added another Ryan Nassib to this team. The Giants are in “win now” mode and spent a third-round pick on a project. Former Giants offensive lineman Shaun O’Hara criticized this pick since he doesn’t want to see his good buddy Eli eating his food through a straw anytime soon. But in fairness to the Giants and Webb, the next offensive lineman wasn’t taken for another 28 picks. Offensive linemen were not exactly flying off the board as, according to scouts, this was one of the weakest OL drafts in years. Nevertheless, this kid better be worth it.
Round Four, Wayne Gallman, RB, Clemson — Although one could argue that it was not a top three position of need for the G-Men, they could clearly use another running back to go along with last year’s rookie, Paul Perkins. Gallman is the “Thunder” to Perkins “Lightning” and should become a Giants fan favorite right away...