'I help people pass in peace as a death doula'

I let myself into the house and make my way to the bedroom, where he is lying on the bed. After a lifetime of independence, this man doesn’t want strangers coming into his home to nurse him through the final stages of his cancer. I touch his shoulder and he opens his eyes, a little smile flickering across his face.
He says to me, “I’m dying.”
I reply, “Yes, you are.”
The man takes great comfort in someone acknowledging his reality.
He goes on to die in hospital and I am with him all the way, until his last breath. That’s all he wanted, a companion on that last journey.
And as a death doula, that is my job – providing spiritual and emotional support for a dying person and their loved ones. I’m different from end-of-life support workers, as I can give continuity of care, unlimited time and get to know my clients closely.
The word doula means a trained companion and most people associate them with birth. But this kind of support can be just as important at the end of life.
My clients usually have a terminal diagnosis or simply don’t have long left due to old age. I’ve also worked with parents whose children are dying and people bereaved in unexpected, tragic circumstances, like murder or suicide.
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I believe I was destined to do this job. My choice of career was sealed when my dad died from leukaemia five months after his diagnosis, when I was 14. I was with him at the hospital just after he died.
I sat on his bed, touched his face and sang one of my favourite songs, No Need To Argue by The Cranberries, which includes the line, “I knew that I would lose you.”
Afterwards, I lay down next to him and fell into a tranquil sleep for three hours. My dad had gone peacefully and I was by his side.
I was sad that he wouldn’t be around but I wasn’t afraid for him. Death has never scared me. It is the only certainty in life. I’ve always been comfortable with that.
I think whatever a person believes happens after death does happen for them and there is not one truth. I enjoy not knowing.
REFLECTING ON LIFE
When I was in my twenties, I worked in road safety for the fire service and at a youth group, where death from street violence was a regularity. It meant I was constantly around bereaved people.
In my thirties, I began volunteering in hospices, sitting with the dying and attending the funerals of those without family or friends.
One day, I came to a realisation. I was familiar with the idea of birth doulas – perhaps I could be a death doula?
But there wasn’t much training on offer for this work and in 2017 I set up my own course, using my experiences and knowledge. It’s still a niche occupation but interest is growing.
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When I meet the dying, they usually want to have long conversations about what is happening to them and work through their feelings. Generally, they are scared but they are more accepting of their death than their loved ones.
They want to reflect on their life, telling me about their childhood, their career, the people they’ve loved and even their regrets.
The most common regrets are that they haven’t told people they love them and did not spend as much time as they would have liked with the ones they care for.
Having their life acknowledged and mentally putting their affairs in order gives them a sense of completion.
Sometimes, they’ll want to impart the wisdom they’ve acquired and I’ve also helped clients make amends with those they feel they have wronged.
Loved ones can find it difficult to have these emotional conversations but I can listen without feeling like my world is falling apart. Sometimes, they simply want a shoulder to cry on. We have plenty in place medically for the dying but not much to address their emotional needs.
Often, my clients wish to die at home and I’ll transform it into a relaxing space filled with thin...