Christmas is perceived by most of us as a season of joy and goodwill. But for many, it comes wrapped in suffocating pressure – relentless obligations, juggling expectations and the draining pursuit of trying to make everyone happy. From believing you have to say yes to every invitation, to feeling compelled to uphold traditions and family commitments, the festive period can easily become one of internal conflict and exhaustion, particularly for people-pleasers.
“Growing up, many of us – especially women – receive messages about how we should behave and show up in the world,” says Charlotte Bailey, a psychotherapist who specialises in helping women to overcome their people-pleasing tendencies.
“We’re taught to be ‘good’, defined as polite, agreeable, suppressing our own needs and putting others first. This conditioning, both explicit and implicit, often leads to habitual self-sacrifice, especially during Christmas, when cultural pressures to make everything perfect are at their peak.”
People-pleasing is a learned coping mechanism, a manifestation of the “fawn” response. “Fawning” involves appeasing others to defuse potential conflict and maintain safety when we feel threatened.
“What’s important to understand is that feeling threatened doesn’t necessarily mean facing physical danger,” says Charlotte. “Our nervous system can interpret emotional or social discomfort, like the risk of rejection or disapproval, as a threat. If you’ve grown up in an environment where conflict felt unsafe or acceptance was conditional, your brain may have learnt to treat any hint of disappointment from others as a danger signal. This leads to the automatic urge to appease and put others first.”
Over time, our brains learn to associate being agreeable with feeling secure, making it hard to break people-pleasing habits. The result? Burnout, heightened stress hormones and a festive season that leaves you feeling resentful. But by recognising the signs of self-sacrifice and implementing strategies, you can feel more relaxed this Christmas.
image [https://cdn.magzter.com/1583506613/1732598464/articles/T-3wTg-Bi1732604168642/2922259227.jpg]
ENJOY IT YOUR WAY
Spend some time reflecting on what you truly want during Christmas.
"If you're unsure, imagine waking up on Boxing Day having done everything the way you wanted, without guilt or worry that you let anyone down," psychotherapist Charlotte Bailey advises.
"What would that look like? Maybe it's having some alone time, time to rest, spending meaningful moments with loved ones or simply slowing down to be present."
SET BOUNDARIES
If you're a people-pleaser, it's easy to say yes to every request, only to feel stressed later. The first step to setting boundaries is tuning into how you really feel, then practising a pause before you respond.
"Even if you still say yes, slowing down gives you a chance to start checking in with your emotional and physical reactions as guides to what you do want," says Charlotte.
ANTICIPATE GUILT
When you start prioritising yourself, guilt will inevitably surface.
"That's normal," Charlotte says. "Remind yourself that guilt doesn't mean you're doing something wrong, it just means you're doing something different, like breaking old, unhelpful patterns and rules that have been imposed on you. When that inner critic pipes up, notice its tone and ask, how would I speak to a friend feeling this way?"
Practise using a gentler, more understanding voice to reassure yourself that it's OK to prioritise your wellbeing.
DON'T TRY TO DO IT ALL
If you're the one who's always ru...
“Growing up, many of us – especially women – receive messages about how we should behave and show up in the world,” says Charlotte Bailey, a psychotherapist who specialises in helping women to overcome their people-pleasing tendencies.
“We’re taught to be ‘good’, defined as polite, agreeable, suppressing our own needs and putting others first. This conditioning, both explicit and implicit, often leads to habitual self-sacrifice, especially during Christmas, when cultural pressures to make everything perfect are at their peak.”
People-pleasing is a learned coping mechanism, a manifestation of the “fawn” response. “Fawning” involves appeasing others to defuse potential conflict and maintain safety when we feel threatened.
“What’s important to understand is that feeling threatened doesn’t necessarily mean facing physical danger,” says Charlotte. “Our nervous system can interpret emotional or social discomfort, like the risk of rejection or disapproval, as a threat. If you’ve grown up in an environment where conflict felt unsafe or acceptance was conditional, your brain may have learnt to treat any hint of disappointment from others as a danger signal. This leads to the automatic urge to appease and put others first.”
Over time, our brains learn to associate being agreeable with feeling secure, making it hard to break people-pleasing habits. The result? Burnout, heightened stress hormones and a festive season that leaves you feeling resentful. But by recognising the signs of self-sacrifice and implementing strategies, you can feel more relaxed this Christmas.
image [https://cdn.magzter.com/1583506613/1732598464/articles/T-3wTg-Bi1732604168642/2922259227.jpg]
ENJOY IT YOUR WAY
Spend some time reflecting on what you truly want during Christmas.
"If you're unsure, imagine waking up on Boxing Day having done everything the way you wanted, without guilt or worry that you let anyone down," psychotherapist Charlotte Bailey advises.
"What would that look like? Maybe it's having some alone time, time to rest, spending meaningful moments with loved ones or simply slowing down to be present."
SET BOUNDARIES
If you're a people-pleaser, it's easy to say yes to every request, only to feel stressed later. The first step to setting boundaries is tuning into how you really feel, then practising a pause before you respond.
"Even if you still say yes, slowing down gives you a chance to start checking in with your emotional and physical reactions as guides to what you do want," says Charlotte.
ANTICIPATE GUILT
When you start prioritising yourself, guilt will inevitably surface.
"That's normal," Charlotte says. "Remind yourself that guilt doesn't mean you're doing something wrong, it just means you're doing something different, like breaking old, unhelpful patterns and rules that have been imposed on you. When that inner critic pipes up, notice its tone and ask, how would I speak to a friend feeling this way?"
Practise using a gentler, more understanding voice to reassure yourself that it's OK to prioritise your wellbeing.
DON'T TRY TO DO IT ALL
If you're the one who's always ru...
You're reading a preview of
New UK (Digital) - 1 Issue, December 02, 2024